They should be banned. I’ll tell you why.

People (and it is mostly women) weave around the pavement, talking on their mobile phones or typing out SMS messages, walk into people or suddenly slow down or stop to spell a word. When I am walking, it has moved me to consider murder.

People (and it is mostly women) talk loudly on the train on their mobile phone, disturbing the whole carriage. Why? Have you no awareness of where you are? Mostly (and it is women) it is complete mundane shit or they are moaning about their jobs. If you don’t like your job, just quit, don’t moan or talk about it, just fucking quit. Blokes who do this on trains are usually IT geeks talking about passwords for firewalls. No one is impressed, mate. We know what firewalls are. We don’t care. We’re not impressed. Murder is permissible in these situations. I’ve done it. It made me feel better.

People – and this is everyone – will stop a face to face conversation because their fucking mobile phone starts playing a stupid ringtone … which is NEVER funny, by the way. The birdie song doesn’t do it, okay? When people smile at you, they’re feeling sorry for you, they’re not laughing at you or with you – IT’S PITY. The call recipient will then talk to the person on the other end of the phone (probably a woman veering across the pavement or sitting/standing on a crowded train), holding their hand up, saying “it’s Sarah, hold on, will you?” I’m going to state the obvious here: if someone interupts a conversation you are having in person by standing in front of you and singing a stupid tune at you, would you immediately turn your attention to this person? No? However if they do it using a mobile phone (or a regular phone, to be fair), this is okay? It’s not. Tell the person on the phone that you are busy talking to someone and you will call them back when you are free. PHONE CALLS DO NOT GIVE PRIORITY ACCESS TO YOUR TIME – YOU CAN CALL BACK!!

Text messaging also allows people to say things that they otherwise would be too scared to say causing people to avoid real life. It’s also actively teaching young people to spell like morons.

They can be used as bomb denotators. Football hooligans use them to co-ordinate fighting. Too many phone cameras have taken too many pictures that will haunt drunken people for life. It’s not fair. When you are out on the pish, it should stay private. That’s an unwritten rule.

Bring back telephone boxes and smoke signals … that’s what I say. Give your mobile phones back to Satan’s army of goons at the Carphone Warehouse and “just say no to mobile phones.”