My son is almost eleven. In fact, he’s eleven tomorrow. He is in year 6 (that’s the fourth year of juniors for older people who grew up 10,000 years ago, like me). We’ve reached the stage where we have to find his secondary school. It’s an absolute nightmare, I can tell you.

There are three very good grammar schools in the area. In fact, two are very close and another a short bus ride away. There are other state schools in the area, but they’re further away. The biggest issue I have with the non-grammar state schools is that they’re completely crap. I wouldn’t send your badly behaved dog there. To get into the grammar schools, you have to pass an eleven-plus style entrance exam. The problem with the exam is that every bastard in South London, Surrey and parts of Kent and Sussex sits it. This means that you pretty well have to be a member of Mensa to get in. They’re kids like the ones on the TV show “Are you smarter than a ten year old” – only much more clever. They’ve been tutored for ten years, five hours a night specifically to pass this exam.

So, I got my son a tutor at the beginning of last year. He went once a week and it helped him, I think. The tutor had to teach him verbal reasoning as the state primary schools don’t teach this – although you have to get near to 100% on this paper to get into grammar school. Erm … how is this fair?

He took the first one in September. He missed out on the pass mark by a fairly narrow margin. However, there were three hundred boys in between him and getting in. The ten year old boy then gets a letter telling him did really well, didn’t reach the mark … and not to apply to the school for at least three years. It was like a punch in the face for him. These exams are very harsh – you fail – you’re out for good – there are no re-sits like GCSEs, A levels, degrees.

So, we turned to private schools. The type of schooling on offer is outstanding. The opportunities breath-taking. It comes at a price, of course. Fees between £11,000 and £13,000. There are bursaries, however and parents are encouraged not to shy away for fear of finances because of this. However, my income is just above the qualification level. They offer scholarships for academic, sports, music, artistic talent. If you are rich, you are okay; if you are poor, you are okay; if you have an outstanding talent, you are okay (presumably, you’d get grammar school education if you wanted it anyway). I would love him to go to private school, but at £12,000 and being a 40% tax payer, this is £20,000 of my gross salary. I can tell you, I don’t have £12,000 in my sky rocket every year with the difficult problem of trying to find somewhere to put it. (”sky rocket” is pocket for you non-cockneys!)

Grammar tests followed in November and January. The two private schools’ tests followed in the same week in January. We were notified afterwards that Michael had failed to reach the 87.5% required to pass the grammar test. This is a school we can walk to, a stone’s throw from his current primary school. It’s rated in the top ten in the country so people travel for miles around to get the chance to go there. I feel penalised for not tutoring him from the age of four and/or going to an average to slightly above average primary school. Michael is in all the top groups in his primary school and has fantastic school reports of which we are very proud.

We were then notified that he had passed both private school tests. For one school, he had scored 95% and they were convinced Michael would be able to choose whatever school he wanted. His English paper was 100% – essay and comprehension. This is the £13,000 a year school, of course. Michael has now been interviewed – and so have the Mrs and I!! – for the two private schools. We still await the results of the third and final grammar school.

My council tax is about £250 per month because of the banding of my house. From this, the council provides schooling for its borough. Schools cannot legally prefer one applicant to another based on the borough in which they pay council tax. The two private schools are even out of borough (but fairly close by), although this is largely irrelevant in respect of council tax given the fees. Michael is eligible for scholarships in both private schools – we’re hopeful of a particularly good one from the one in which he got 95%. My son has now had six exams – one mock added to those mentioned above – and two interviews (with four different people) – at ten years of age to decide which school he goes to at eleven. The results of which are more critical to his future than any others, given he can’t retake any of them. I’m faced with a potential £91,000 bill over the next seven years. (This is not counting my daughter who is six and has less state schools to “choose” from in the area).

My point is simple: what the fuck am I paying council tax for?